Insulted by the Name Calling

"If you voted for Obama in 2008 to prove you're not a racist, you'll have to vote for someone else in 2012 to prove you're not an idiot." 

So, let me get this straight, you (the more educated and worldly person) want me to vote for one of these three guys: One who hides his money in off-shore accounts so he can try to fool us into thinking he isn't rich. Another who is "very religious" but has two divorces under his belt and a record of adultery while asking his ex-wives to allow it, and the third who has a 20-year-old daughter but wants to ban contraception and feminine care, even if she is raped, she will just have to deal. 

Interesting ... I wonder what an idiot like me is to do.

The Menu has Changed

Food is a very big deal in my life, and lately it's been a lot more important and a lot less available.

As a pregnant woman, there is an extensive list of food I cannot eat ... sadly. The items on this list could harm me or my baby, so I have to cut things out like alcohol and caffeine. The only alcohol I've put in my mouth in the past four months is in Scope mouthwash. My kind friends let me smell their beer or wine while we are out, and that will be satisfaction enough for me for the next 6 months.

A ham sandwich is also out. I can't eat any cold cuts unless I heat them up and kill any possible bacteria that can carry listeria. What fun is that? So, in this case, a sandwich is not a hero.

Sushi or any raw fish is not allowed in my belly either. Usually, my sushi of choice is a spicy tuna roll of some sort, but tuna is the biggest culprit for mercury intake. Sushi will have to wait, but hibachi is allowed, so Japanese food isn't completely banned.

However, Greek food is useless to me if I can't incorporate any feta cheese. Soft and unpasteurized cheeses are out of question, including the blue cheese dressing that accompanies buffalo wings. I don't love stinky cheese, so I'm not bothered by this, but Greek and Turkish foods are out.

Most recently, I've found out that French fries, hash browns and potato chips all have acrylamide in them, which is a cancer-causing agent, so those have been added to the list.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've been eating like a champ lately because pizza, pasta and salad are all on my crave list, especially balsamic or zesty dressings. Also, the doctor has said that I need to eat five small meals a day, and my family and friends don't let me skip a meal, which I kind of like.

So, the plan is that when this baby pops out, I'm getting a Super Club hero from TJ's Hero Shop in Patchogue and picking up a six-pack of Franzikaner Heferweisen for lunch, and then going to Sumou to get sushi and wine for dinner. I may get tipsy real quick, but it will be delicious. Who wants to join me?

New Clothes

Last week I told you I was preggo and this week I'm going to share with you one of the benefits: NEW CLOTHES.

So by new clothes, I'm not talking "catwalk, top-of-the-line, can barely breathe in them" clothes, I'm talking "eat whatever the heck you want, expands to allow for more food, breathable" clothes. These little, err big, wonders of fashion were made so that a preggo didn't have to care if her body was expanding in all areas, she could still walk without a wedgie and she could sit without creating an enormous muffin top. Ah, comfort.

There are these full-panel pants that are regular pants from hip to ankle, but a whole separate ball game up top. These gems are stretchy from your pelvis, up past your stomach, past your ribcage, to just right below your bra line. And, in the winter, that's like 15 extra inches of warmth my friends. I'm seriously contemplating wearing them after I give birth so I don't have to button another pair of pants again, but that may just be the laziness talking. Now, I'm not quite the fattest I can be yet, so I'm just wearing these pants now because: A. I have them, and B. My real clothes make me feel like a sausage.

The only real problem I am facing is that I'm not feeling all that sexy in anything I wear or don't wear, which I know comes with the territory. However, I'm pretty sure I should care, but I really kind of don't. I'd rather daydream about having a Victoria's Secret body after I pop out a kid, like they do on TV.

New Beginnings

Right after Halloween, I went to go see the Conan O'Brien show with my brother. We drove into the city together and went to a bar to kill time before the show started. I had a Hoegaarden and a sip of his Captain Lawrence Smoked Porter that disgustingly tasted like liquid sausage. That was the last sip of beer I had.

The next day I got to work and realized that it was time to take a pregnancy test because I was late and I had never been late in my life. So during lunch, I ran out to CVS and got myself a pack of three tests because you can never be too sure. That night when I returned home, my husband was waiting for me to take the test. I took one and it had one line and another faint line next to it. Pregnant. I took another test. Two lines again. Pregnant. We were amazed.

When we told my parents, it was great. We brought bagels over and I wrapped a book with "Grandma" in the title for my mother that I had purchased last year for just this moment, if it ever came. I gave her the book and she said thank you but wondered what it meant. I said, "I'm pregnant," through a few tears and then they started to cry. My dad jumped up out of his seat with tears in his eyes to hug me and my mother rushed over to hug Tom. Neither of them wanted to let go, it seemed. It was a priceless reaction.

A few days later, we went over to Tom's parents' house to tell them our news. It was a little less emotional of a reaction, but it was characteristic. Tom's mother was excited and his father's quote was, "Glad to see you still have lead in your pencil." He has a crude way of saying things that gets the point across and makes us laugh at the same time. Hysterical.

So, today I am 14 weeks pregnant. I have the sonograms to prove it and I have heard my baby's heartbeat. It is so strange to have a person growing inside you that is now the size of a lemon. I know the size because I am updated every week on the fruit or vegetable that my baby resembles. Just weeks ago he or she was the size of an olive and now, today - a lemon. But tomorrow, as I start my 15th week, the fruit will change and be something slightly bigger than a lemon.

No sickness, just a little nausea a few weeks ago, and no belly yet as I begin my second trimester. I can just feel a little protrusion in my lower abdomen and most of my pants don't fit anymore. We celebrated Christmas Eve and I had two of the seven fishes. We had a New Year's Eve party and I enjoyed sparkling grape juice. No cold cut sandwiches. No caffeinated beverages and definitely no alcohol, but it will all be worth it when I have a healthy baby in my arms ... and that day will make its way here in about 7 months. Oh man, what have I gotten myself into ...