Planning a wedding is fun and stressful, and sometimes even triumphant, but for right now, all I feel is sadness. Not because I don't love my TK, I do, more than magazines and Disney World, so that is a lot. I am sad because I feel like I should be doing all this with my grandmother present. She should be chirping in my ear, "Don't do that!" or "That's not how we did it in the olden days!" or "Yellow, who likes yellow?"
I just really miss her now more than ever. When I was a little girl I thought she would be there on my big day. That she would be walking down the aisle before me and sitting in the left pew sobbing through a smile because she was so happy for me. I always thought there would be an invitation with her name on it that I would make sure was perfect because she would save it on her refrigerator for months. I would have to take her dress shopping and have her pick something shiny and beautiful because she didn't want to look old, she wanted to look beautiful. Then she would start throwing money around because anything my mother would not agree to, she would just buy for me like she always had.
When she passed in 2003, I knew she would miss things in my life that I wanted her to be there for, such as my graduation from grad school in 2006, my wedding this year and in the future, the birth of my children. I can still hear her voice in my head and feel her in my heart, I just wish I could see her and touch her to know she is here for me now. I guess I will just have to settle with knowing she surrounds me and protects me everyday from afar, and that is more than a lot of people have.
