Monday, May 16, 2011

Words can't explain, but I will try anyway

I am at work today; the same place where Jessica left in an ambulance on Friday. She was hemorrhaging from what we now know was a placental abruption. She was frightened and in pain.

I received notice from her husband Jon hours later, while walking into my in-laws' house, notifying me that they had lost both baby girls and that Jessica was being transferred to Stony Brook Medical Center. I just covered my mouth and stood in the driveway staring at my phone and sobbing. My heart sank because I felt so awful for them and knew what they had gone through just to get to this point, this awful point.

Through all 35 weeks of her pregnancy, Jessica confided in me with text messages immediately after visiting the doctor or conversations after having a sonogram. It was like I battled through it all with her and these babies became a part of my life as well. Maybe it is a selfish way of thinking, but since Jessica considered me her "work husband" I felt like I was on Team Decatur for the past eight months. I wanted to make sure she had a support system while she was in the office and away from her family and friends. Pregnancy is rough, not to mention a high risk pregnancy with other health complications factoring in. And, oh boy did they factor in. The whole journey was rough for her. Some days were easier than others, but it was a struggle that I saw firsthand for eight hours a day.

So Friday, when I saw her upset, bleeding and worried, I knew something was definitely wrong, but I kept saying, "It will be OK." I hate that I kept telling her that now because it wasn't OK and it wasn't going to be OK, but what else could I say to a distressed pregnant woman who I just called an ambulance for? I had to say something to calm her nerves, but I knew I wasn't convincing anyone.

Today I am back at work and not able to focus on any tasks because all I keep thinking about is my boss/friend who is in the Critical Care Unit at Stony Brook Medical Center. I just feel so bad for her and her family and what they are going through. She is in and out of surgeries and Jon is right by her side. I can't even begin to know how she is feeling or pretend to know what to say.

Now, I just wait for updates and try to do whatever it is I can for her and her family. I have been updating our mutual friends and colleagues all weekend and will continue to do so, in order for her to not have to talk about it or explain it to anyone. I just feel so helpless because there is nothing I can do or say to make it any better, but anything that I feel pales in comparison to any emotion that she and her family are feeling. I just hope her condition improves and she can return home to see her little boy that misses his mommy right about now.

My heart breaks...but their hearts are broken.