Words can't explain, but I will try anyway

I am at work today; the same place where Jessica left in an ambulance on Friday. She was hemorrhaging from what we now know was a placental abruption. She was frightened and in pain.

I received notice from her husband Jon hours later, while walking into my in-laws' house, notifying me that they had lost both baby girls and that Jessica was being transferred to Stony Brook Medical Center. I just covered my mouth and stood in the driveway staring at my phone and sobbing. My heart sank because I felt so awful for them and knew what they had gone through just to get to this point, this awful point.

Through all 35 weeks of her pregnancy, Jessica confided in me with text messages immediately after visiting the doctor or conversations after having a sonogram. It was like I battled through it all with her and these babies became a part of my life as well. Maybe it is a selfish way of thinking, but since Jessica considered me her "work husband" I felt like I was on Team Decatur for the past eight months. I wanted to make sure she had a support system while she was in the office and away from her family and friends. Pregnancy is rough, not to mention a high risk pregnancy with other health complications factoring in. And, oh boy did they factor in. The whole journey was rough for her. Some days were easier than others, but it was a struggle that I saw firsthand for eight hours a day.

So Friday, when I saw her upset, bleeding and worried, I knew something was definitely wrong, but I kept saying, "It will be OK." I hate that I kept telling her that now because it wasn't OK and it wasn't going to be OK, but what else could I say to a distressed pregnant woman who I just called an ambulance for? I had to say something to calm her nerves, but I knew I wasn't convincing anyone.

Today I am back at work and not able to focus on any tasks because all I keep thinking about is my boss/friend who is in the Critical Care Unit at Stony Brook Medical Center. I just feel so bad for her and her family and what they are going through. She is in and out of surgeries and Jon is right by her side. I can't even begin to know how she is feeling or pretend to know what to say.

Now, I just wait for updates and try to do whatever it is I can for her and her family. I have been updating our mutual friends and colleagues all weekend and will continue to do so, in order for her to not have to talk about it or explain it to anyone. I just feel so helpless because there is nothing I can do or say to make it any better, but anything that I feel pales in comparison to any emotion that she and her family are feeling. I just hope her condition improves and she can return home to see her little boy that misses his mommy right about now.

My heart breaks...but their hearts are broken.

We are moved in!

It took an entire week and we still have a few items left in our apartment, but we are all moved into my parents' house. I didn't realize how much stuff we accumulated over 5 years. We filled the POD and there are boxes all over my parents' house. We have clothes in every closet of the house and instead of looking through every closet to find outfits for work, I have decided to wear my mother's clothes. All of her clothes are in one closet, so it is just easier.

While we were trying to move our bed to the upstairs bedroom, the box spring wouldn't fit up the steps. So, my parents were willing to get a saw and chop off the post of the bannister. I actually had to talk them out of it. I appreciate the thought, but there was no need for them to ruin their bannister for a one month stay. It eventually fit upstairs anyway.

So far, so good. TK is ecstatic that he had pancakes for breakfast, pizza for lunch and macaroni for dinner today. It doesn't take much to please us.

Is it weird that I'm excited?

As we make moves to buy a house, our next move is to abandon the apartment we've been living in for 5 years and take all of our stuff to my parents' house for about a month and a half. A large amount of our stuff is currently sitting in a 16-foot POD on my parents' driveway. TK and I are going to stay with my parents' while we take the necessary steps to buy a house and save some money in the process.

But, is it weird that I am excited to move in with my parents again? I have fun with them and TK is preparing for movie nights and take out Fridays. It seems like he is more excited than I am, and they aren't even his parents.

My mother decided that, when we move in, I have to cook one dinner a week. TK is convinced that it has to be something that I have never cooked before, so I have decided that they are all in for a world of hurt and nausea. We will see how this goes. I may have to blog about this entire experience because it is not every day that a 30-year-old woman and her 35-year-old husband move in with her parents and cohabitate for a month or more. Stay tuned for the madness that might ensue. I am just hoping to not get kicked out for suggesting too many pajama nights watching "Country Strong" or "Green Lantern." Who am I kidding? On a regular Saturday afternoon, I might find my dad watching "Mean Girls" or "First Daughter" on Showtime. We might be the breath of fresh air that their household needs...or not. Like I said, we'll see.